May 22, 2019
Patting myself on the back for continuing working through my emotions and the many situations I am faced with through family life and community life. Like I said before I am many things, at one point I was even a pretty poor parent and friend. I have promised myself to work on being a better person though. I have thought a lot about my previous posts and fear I have slimed some of you with my anxiety and depression, but I know and understand the importance of being real. Because of the realness other people have shown me I have been able to share openly.
I recently had the chance travel to Juneau for a Librarian Leadership Workshop. The trip was more than a learning experience through library work but also a journey further into my own heart. I had to quit counting my sober days because I unfortunately lost self-control the first night arriving into Juneau after an excruciating several hours of being stuck on the milk run flight down southeast Alaska, combined with nervousness and anxiety of leaving the kids and finally my ultimate weakness – being alone – I chose to self-medicate with a disgusting cheap bottle of wine that left me with the most vicious headache the following day. I was overcome with guilt and insecurity, but I learned a lot about myself in that moment. Coincidently the first two days of my leadership workshop were spent on Emotional Intelligence, if you haven’t heard about this subject, I strongly encourage you to look it up! I say coincidently because while learning about Emotional Intelligence, we were tasked with examining and testing our own Emotional Intelligence, which meant I had to decipher what I had done to myself, why I did it and how I could move forward. Focusing on my own feelings in a professional aspect was one the biggest challenges I have faced yet. The growth that occurred for me over those two days is unexplainable. I truly felt I was put there in that moment for a reason and I am such a better person because of it.
You see in life we all have pit falls but that does not mean we can’t change our outcomes. I am proud to say that since that night I haven’t touched another drop, I was able to practice my self-control the rest of the trip even though it would have been easy to enjoy booze without another soul knowing the rest of my time there. That is not who I want to be though, I want to be a confident woman, a good parent, a trusting wife and a role model for anyone I have the honor of meeting. I don’t want to be remembered by mistakes in life, political roles or even my Facebook feed, I want people to hear my name and remember me as a good human being.
Self-control is a hard subject for a lot of people but it is something we need to talk more about and be open to learning ways of growing our own self-control. A lot of folks could sense my self-control slipping just by reading my last blog post and urged me to talk to someone or anyone when I felt like I was going to succumb, and like a big dummy I didn’t listen. I didn’t stop and tell anyone “hey, I am alone and am going to go buy a bottle of wine right now and will probably finish it off in one sitting”. I was first of all to worried about the judgement and second of all I believed I just had to get it out of my system and maybe I truly did because every drop of cravings I was dealing with were gone after that night. Nonetheless, I have been attempting to get through sobriety basically by myself and that has not been the best way to go about it. (Matt is still sober but for him not drinking hasn’t been an inner struggle). A dear friend of mine who was part of my inspiration to get sober added to me to a great Facebook group called Alaska Sisters in Sobriety, within the group I inquired about AA and how to start one or what the options are for if we don’t have a group where we live. I was so excited to find out there is a conference call in option! Moving forward I have vowed to reach out for support when I need it, to work through my inner most demons to continue to heal, and to start serving as a light for folks who might be in a season of dark.
What is working for me right now is getting out to walk as often as possible, praying deeply and being an active member of our church and making time for therapy sessions to talk about what might be consuming me in the moment. What is working for you in your self-care? If someone asked you today what you do for yourself what would you say? It only takes 30-60 minutes a day, make yourself a priority!