I’m still here, still haven’t had any alcohol. I haven’t lost any weight but I’ve gained a tremendous understanding of myself and my mind and attitude. I have been struggling with speaking to a topic, that is what seems to me, to be the elephant in the room for a lot of folks. I have to say with a warning this can be a trigger for some and if you need help seeking someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to message me.
Recently our best friends lost a family member to suicide. It’s a tragic event that most of us have either heard of happening or have lost friends and loved ones too.
I grew up in the little village of Nelson Lagoon, when I was really young we lost a dear loved one to suicide and that was my first introduction to the devastation of suicide. I don’t remember how old I was but I was too young to fully understand but old enough to feel the pain, suffering, and sadness that engulfed the whole village. When I was in my teens I was also in Nelson Lagoon when a man hung himself on his boat. When I was at boarding school in Sitka a classmate was found in her room unresponsive after strangling her self, she was brought back to life but ended up dying in the hospital later on. I say all this because I need it as a reminder to myself what a tragic loss suicide is.
Suicide is difficult to grasp or understand. Most healthy individuals will go through their entire life without a single thought of killing themselves. This is extremely hard for me to admit and when I’m in a good place I feel guilt remembering moments where I questioned my life. I don’t want you to see me differently or treat me any kind of way other than you always have. But I have had this strange urge to share these very dark and sad moments that I have in my life. I’m learning now that that is something that depression does to people. You lose sight of all the wonderful you have to live for. The wonderful is different for everyone, for me, it is my kids and my family. At a time in my life, I convinced myself that they didn’t need me and I was not worthy of this life that God has so graciously given me. I convinced myself that I was a failure at everything (which is sooooo far from the truth!). I am working to pinpoint the events in my life that took me to that place of complete disparity so I never have to go through and feel that way again. I suffered alone and quietly. I felt guilty for thinking so terribly, I didn’t want to tell anyone how shitty I felt because either I felt they wouldn’t understand or that I would be giving them an unnecessary burden. I convinced myself that I had to figure it out on my own. DO NOT DO THAT. I only got worse, I masked as much as I could and become a miserable mess. I made really really bad decisions and made mistakes and I hurt my loved ones. I feel like there are a few people who felt like it wasn’t really all that necessary for me to quit drinking but what I know in my heart is that when I drank it only made it easier to think about suicide and if I didn’t give alcohol up I was afraid of what damage I would inevitably cause. I have about one million and 3 things to be grateful for and depression stole my ability to see that. Alcohol was the ugly vice that I used to drown my stresses and anxiety instead of facing it straight on. That’s my truth and I share it because it makes me feel like I am doing something for myself in a healthy way. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I’m getting better and I’ve promised myself to do whatever it takes to never feel so low again In my life. God did not put me on this earth to end my life before it has even begun.
So that is my story and this is my beginning. This is my effort to release my dark past and move on to becoming a happier healthier version of me. It is my way of giving myself the gift of life. I’ve said before my only goal in life is really to help others. I believe that by sharing my story not only am I helping myself but hopefully I’m making others aware of a hidden disease most of us suffer from. I am on a quest to learn more about mental health and depression. It saddens me how rampant suicide is, I wish I had an answer to erase it but the reality is it is a personal issue and there needs to be a shift in the world on how we view it. I should never have felt like I couldn’t talk about it or that I had to hide the ugly thoughts. Part of that was my personal depression I know but there is something else that doesn’t sit well with my heart and it is the perception we all have on the matter.
Please remember to be kind, pray often and know that life does not have to be a struggle.
Love, Candace
